Maternity? Instead of fulfillment, I was given a hard work that I could not derive satisfaction from

-After giving birth, I developed tiredness, frustration and anxiety. I felt sorry for the whole world and for my husband. I was terrified - says Joanna Baranowska, a trainer and psychologist specializing in working with mothers.

See the video: "7 Ways to Raise a Happy Child"

And she took matters into her own hands. Now she helps mothers fight disappointment, incl. through the online course "Mom Without Frustration and Guilt". As she says - every mother should allow herself glitter fun in her life.

WP Parenting: You help mums live on their own terms. Where did this idea come from?

Joanna Baranowska: When I became a mother, the change I started to experience was huge. I felt that I did not want to go back to work in the ten-hour away from home model. Both in my life and in my motherhood, I felt weak, vulnerable and incompetent.

I also felt guilty that I should be happy, and all this motherhood should come to me with the ease of a butterfly. After all, I am a woman and I should fulfill myself in motherhood, and I felt that my life was at a standstill. Instead of fulfillment, I was given a hard work that I could not get satisfaction from. All these duties made me feel very guilty and angry with myself.

Joanna Baranowska is a mother of two children (Joanna Baranowska)

And you started working as a coach.

I started working for the Mama Foundation. It turned out then that not only is motherhood a challenge for me, but each of us undergoes enormous changes in our lives in the first years, and some of us get lost in what we should and what we really want.

Today's terror of being the perfect mother who gives up herself for the sake of the child and the family makes some people lack the courage to admit the right to meet their basic needs, such as sleep and food.

This is extremely frustrating and is not good for the baby or anyone. And after one year of functioning in this way, mums go through a major or minor crisis.

On your website, I noticed glitter - a symbol of something important for every mother. And what is he for you?

Glitter are moments of delight in life that make us distance ourselves from our emotions. Mom's life can be very difficult, exhausting and frustrating. Children can be sick for weeks, especially now, in the fall, and we are exhausted.

Glitter is such moments of delight for me: a lit candle, yellow leaves outside the window, a moment of drinking tea, rolling with children on the floor, touching the cheek, smell, putting on a mask. It doesn't take any special time, but a little mindfulness, and can be our source of joy and energy.

I think that if it weren't for such moments and if I put my work to make more and more of them, my life would be really gray and sad. And yet we choose what should be.

Joanna Baranowska fights with frustration in young mothers (Joanna Baranowska)

So when everything is falling apart, the child's poop is running down the trouser leg, and we are wearing our eyelashes, let's laugh. Do something that will give you pleasure. Go to bed with your baby and don't worry about whether you should or shouldn't have that.

A frustrated mother comes to see you. And what's next?

Working with hundreds of people personally and remotely, I discovered a few things that a young mother absolutely needs to learn in order not to go crazy. It is asking for help and building your support network, self-care, appreciating yourself and allowing yourself to make mistakes, giving yourself the right to think about yourself and achieving your goals, and creating a personal definition of being a good mom. Without it, it won't go any further. So I ask my mother how it functions in these areas.

I work by phone, which is important for mums who have very little time for themselves. All these topics and much more are also discussed and worked out during the "Mom Without Frustration and Guilt" course, which is held online. A very important part of my job is joining moms into support groups where they can feel comfortable and safe. This is also the case with the course, the integral part of which is the Facebook support group.

This type of work removes many of the obstacles to self-development. Work is remote, so it takes less time and you don't have to commute. Each participant can work out the material when it is best for her - for example, on a walk with a child. The cost barrier also disappears.

This course is now also an element of individual coaching. Order in the head in the area of ​​motherhood greatly facilitates work in other areas of life.

If all of this does not give you relatively quick results, or at least some relief, I usually advise you to get some basic tests (including thyroid hormone tests) and / or see a psychotherapist specializing in depression. It is impossible to overcome this disease on your own and mom, like any other human being, has the right, or even a duty, to reach for all possible support, including medications.

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How to help Polish mothers "get out of their homes"? And what does that even mean?

In my assumption, it is a state in which we go around in circles in our lives. We don't really know what to do to make it move in the right direction for us. Sometimes it results from the fact that we do not know what the right direction is, sometimes we are afraid that we will hurt the child or the family, and sometimes we are not able to implement effective steps and do not get the results we want.

At the root of this state is a lack of understanding of oneself, one's needs and goals, which change after childbirth, and a lack of a vision of what this life should look like. I often support moms freelancers in building their business or activity. Another time, I also redirect my mothers to trusted specialists in looking for a job or building an online business. But I do it only when I am sure that the client knows exactly what she wants, to be in line with her dreams and values. Then I show her the best tools.

Joanna Baranowska lets moms out of their homes (Joanna Baranowska)

Many women also before birth did not care about their needs and, for example, allowed themselves to be used at work. After they became mothers, it only worsened the situation. The child shows that this way of life is impossible and it has to be changed, otherwise he will go crazy. When all the advice suddenly turns out to be pointless, you have to find or build a reference point within yourself, and I help to do that in my programs.

How is a mother supposed to embrace a child if she cannot comprehend herself?

And that's a very good question. I also run educational courses based on "Positive Discipline" and in fact it is often the case that it turns out that mums are unable to follow the suggestions contained in them because their own needs are not satisfied.

We often hear such statements - children require patience and consistency, trust yourself, love yourself, but honestly, four years ago I would not know where to start.

My courses translate these abstract statements into concrete steps and actions. I know what to ask women to find their intuition and learn patience with themselves and their child.

With hundreds of examples, I can see that it works. Some of my participants at the end of the course say that they "pee the rainbow" and that is the greatest joy for me.

Embracing myself and embracing the baby are two areas of support that I give to mothers (and the latter also to fathers). One cannot exist without the other.

Balance between yourself and your child is necessary. When we become a better parent, we also become better for ourselves. And it creates such a magic circle of positivity.

"I have had a baby, I want to go back to work and make my husband fall in love again." Is it possible with your help?

If it were to be that easy, I would write guides, not coaching (laughs). I know that these goals are very important in our lives and in some way I help to achieve them, but I start with who the woman who comes to me is.

First, she herself has to find who she is, what she cares about in life, what she loves about herself, what she likes to do, how she wants to live, what she wants to be a mother and wife, how she wants to earn money. Only in the next step do I teach my mother a strategy of building a mature relationship based on partnership and trust. A relationship where both parties will be happy, not she sacrifices her goals for his or her child's sake.

And I don't have any specific relationship model in mind. Regardless of whether a woman works full time from home or not, I want the model she lives in to be close to the one she really wants. Otherwise, after a few years, she will feel deceived because she has made such a sacrifice and no one is grateful to her for it.

Meanwhile, if she lives a model of life that she herself does not admire or even dislike, day after day it kills her self-esteem and self-confidence.

I have always told my clients that I help build a life they will envy themselves. Someday, they'll look at themselves from the side and think, “Wow, I have a great life. Maybe not perfect, but mine and wonderful. "

What if the client says "I'm a bad mother"?

If she says something like that, it means that she wonders what kind of mother she is at all. I tell her, "You may think you are the worst mom in the world, and you are the best mom to your baby anyway."

There are no hopeless cases, sometimes I just ask her to go to a psychotherapist. I have a client I met a few years ago. She started working with a psychotherapist, then came back to thank me and stayed on two more courses: a tutorial and a self-care course.

That's why I love my job and I'm glad to meet so many fantastic women who think about their development as a parent and mother. I am happy to watch them bloom, if they allow themselves to do so.

 

Joanna Baranowska - I have a coach and a psychologist on my own terms. It helps moms rebuild their lives after giving birth, build balance and gain more love for themselves, their children and their family. She created the course "Mom without frustration and guilt" and "TOOL FOR PARENT first aid for parents of children aged 2-6" based on Positive Discipline. Antek and Zuzia's mother.

Tags:  Pregnancy Preschooler Have Region-