He gives his wife every penny. "I'm left with nothing"

Economic violence, like other forms of violence, is aimed at control and domination. It is rarely said that men also experience it. The victims are sometimes not even aware that they are victims of abuse.

Watch the video: "She gave her husband a kidney 20 years after his divorce"

1. The wife spends money

Agnieszka and Łukasz were a harmonious couple.

- Until we were married - sighs Łukasz. In hindsight, she says it was a mistake not to live together before getting married.

- We went on dates, sometimes we stayed at each other's place. At that time, I did not notice anything that could indicate that Agnieszka has such an attitude to money - admits my interlocutor.

Łukasz has a job in a state institution. Stable, in the opinion of many, even prestigious, developmental, and above all, as he himself emphasizes, she does what she loves - despite the fact that she earns little. However, it was always enough for him to pay for a flat, bills, buy clothes and materials for work, and from time to time he could take his beloved to dinner, give her a gift, even without an occasion.

When it was decided to get married, they decided to rent a flat together. Agnieszka had many expectations regarding the size and location. Contrary to her husband's suggestions, she chose a very large property in the suburbs, with a high rental rate.

Agnieszka works in a corporation, earns several times more than her spouse. She expects that she and her husband will pay everything in half, although for her it is a fraction of their earnings, and for him - the vast majority of their income. After giving Agnieszka the money for the fees, because she makes the transfers, Łukasz is left with nothing.

Even though she tries to earn extra money, she is sometimes forced to ask her for small amounts, e.g. to buy a sandwich at work. It sometimes happens that the ticket is not available, and the wife can only drive the car if she refuses it herself.

- I feel pathetic. Can you imagine it? I want to go for a beer with my friends and I have to ask her for money. And she gives me. For one.

Agnieszka, however, does not see anything wrong with that. She often emphasizes that she did everything with her own work, so why would she sponsor someone? He believes that getting married does not mean that, financially, the spouses are a community. Agnieszka also speaks negatively about women who are dependent on their husbands. And she doesn't think her behavior towards her husband has anything to do with violence. He finds it pathetic to ask his partner for something, everyone should be responsible for himself.

Men rarely admit they are victims of economic violence (123rf.com)

2. The wife lives at her husband's expense

Agata and Rafał broke up. They were constantly arguing over money.

- We earned similarly, but Agata did not want to contribute to anything. I had to pay the bills myself. Worse, she kept taking loans for new clothes, accessories, shoes. Then I had to pay off these debts, because she was always "naked and cheerful". When we got money from my grandfather, cash, I hid it in the book for "rainy day". To this day, I regret that I did not make a payment to my account, because when I looked at this book after some time, there was no money, and it was a really large amount. I grabbed my head, especially since my grandfather gave me the money, because he knew that I was collecting money for a new car, he wanted me to buy something for it. I asked Agata what happened to the money and she didn't accept it at all. "Money is there to be spent," she replied. I was in shock. It took a while for me to realize that I was just being robbed by my wife.

Rafał has long been stereotyped that a responsible man should keep the house. He gritted his teeth, although he liked the situation less and less. He noticed that Agata's expenses got out of hand and her debts grew.

- When I asked her to contribute to the fees, she challenged me. She thought she would live at my expense. She kept asking for money for shopping, even 10, 20 zlotys, I didn't know if it was funny or tragic. She spent enormous sums on herself, and accused me of extravagance. She claimed that I was buying overpriced toilet paper. She screamed that I can't invest. I started considering quitting. Grandpa died, so I figured I'd move to the apartment after him. She wanted me to rent them to someone, make fights that I was wasting money, even though this apartment was mine.

Rafał admits that he slowly began to realize that the situation in their home is not the norm.

- In the past, there was nothing to eat at home, because she herself did not buy anything, and somehow I was away at the weekend. I came back, I ordered kebab and cola, cost PLN 20. She made a fuss and I'm throwing my money away! And in a moment, with one click, she spent PLN 800 on shoes and still thought that she had done the deal of her life, because she was discounted from a thousand.

Finally, the decision to part was made.

"It was bad now, but I needed someone from outside to speak, so I made an appointment with my friend," he recalls. - She started to mangle me, where I was, what I ate and for how much. Because, in addition to its other advantages, she tried to control me, checking if there were really such items on the menu. When I replied that I ate a duck for PLN 34, she fell into a frenzy that it was too expensive, maybe I'm joking, that I could have spent so much. I just laughed that I had left a tip, which was true. Then something broke inside me. I finally began to seriously think about divorce.

Agata and Rafał are no longer together. The man admits that thanks to Facebook he quickly found out that the woman immediately entered a new relationship and everything indicates that the new partner is also being used financially.

Economic violence may also be accompanied by other violent behavior (123rf.com)

3. Adult child from a dysfunctional home

Kamila, the alcoholic father drank more than he worked. My mother tried to catch up, she worked, took care of the house, but she barely had enough to live on anyway. Everyone was relieved when my father abandoned his family one day. His absence improved the situation, also material, in the family.

Kamil graduated from a technical college, he had some complexes towards his peers who were graduating. When he started working, however, it turned out that he was doing better than his colleagues with a master's degree. With a technical education, he got a job in a large company in the construction industry. He was promoted quickly. Today he has a good position at work and a high salary, which allows him to support his family and pay off the loan for the house, car and ... his wife's whims.

Kamil, in the face of his wife's behavior, who forces him to obey him through physical and mental violence, gave her access to the account, she manages the property.

- Once she took my credit card and went to the mall. She spent several thousand on clothes, jewelry and shoes - recalls Kamil. - She came home once and showed me new, very expensive pants, freshly bought. I saw the tag and broke down. And she just laughed and asked if she would show me the other because she bought two pairs at once, she couldn't make up her mind.

The woman also works, but keeps the money for herself. Kamil's wife does not contribute to the joint bills, she does not even pay for food.

- I know. The patterns taken from the house linger. As an adult, I still act like a child who used to submit to an abusive parent.

Kamil repeats the page from the guide on how to heal your life and relationships at home like a mantra. He knows he has ACA syndorm, but still can't change anything in life. Taught to live on the edge of poverty, today he does not even seek his own money and gives it to his dominant partner. He cannot still take care of himself or set limits. Nevertheless, he does not regret his marriage and does not want to listen to comments that he should discuss the situation at home with a specialist.

- First of all, it is a specific pool of genes that to some extent determines our temperament, which is the starting point for how our personality will develop - comments psychologist Kinga Mirosław-Szydłowska. - This is accompanied by a specific life history, situations that we experience every day, experiences for which the background, and often the basis, are relationships in the family. They affect us especially strongly in childhood, when we are dependent on our parents, both emotionally and financially. Some people, after such experiences, consciously give up starting a family, fearing that they will hurt their children, others are unable to love them. The problem is the prevailing belief that one should not interfere with other people's lives, so the witnesses are often silent - notes the psychologist. - Lack of reaction of witnesses confirms victims of violence in the belief that they are in a dead end situation.

4. Economic violence by parents

Marek had a rich family home.

"My parents weren't missing anything," she recalls.

Marek's father and mother kept promising him new, dream clothes and toys. They declared that they would go on vacation if it met their expectations. The problem was that they never kept their promises, even though Marek did everything his parents wanted.

- I had to literally beg from my parents to get a change for a notebook, new clothes, and food during a break at school. They expected my humiliation and pleading. They gave me money with great grace, I think they appreciated that way. I earned some extra money alone during the summer holidays, but how long could it be enough? I didn't have any of the things that were the norm among boys from school, my phone was the oldest "brick". Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a materialist, but my parents really had everything and spent a lot on themselves. They dressed themselves in branded stores, traveled often, staying in the best hotels, spending weekends at spas, in the great capitals of Europe. And they did not even give me for school trips or some cinema, my pants literally fell apart before I got new ones. They kept saying that I would have whatever I wanted when I would work alone, even when I was only a few or a dozen years old. They even said that this is not my house, that I will have a house if I buy it myself, and now, when I live with them, they are doing me a favor this way.

Today Marek has correct contacts with his parents, they do not talk about the past. However, he admits that it took him a long time to learn to buy anything for himself, even the necessary equipment for the home. For example, he collected used things from friends for a long time, and wore clothes to be torn. His current fiancée changed that.

- She asked, "why are you so lame" were literally her words. So step by step I learned to take care of myself. Today I am happy. After the wedding, we are planning children, but I will try to ensure that they do not come in contact with my grandparents too often.

Psychologist Kinga Mirosław-Szydłowska comments:

- In an ideal situation, family patterns are correct and then we receive as a gift, among others high self-esteem, tools for an adequate assessment of current situations, basic sense of security, correct beliefs about oneself, other people, etc. It should also be borne in mind that each of the parents had their own family of origin, from which they brought different beliefs to their new family, schemas and values. There is a conviction about the need to respect parents, the person who criticizes the father and mother is perceived as "the bad one". Unhealthy relationships are all the more binding, and in adulthood, victims of violence often continue to seek their parent's approval, attention or submission even at the cost of their own lives.

There is still a stereotype that a man has to support his family (123rf.com)

5. How to recognize financial violence

Economic violence is often taboo. Moreover, social pressure and stereotypes continue to focus on perceiving a man as a person who has the task of maintaining a home and family.

A financially abused man in the face of opposition may even be considered a perpetrator of economic violence, not a victim.

Economic violence, like other forms of violence, is steadily increasing. It is also often one of the many facets of a broad spectrum of violent behavior. In addition to economic violence, the victim may experience physical, psychological and sexual violence.

Some are unaware that they are being abused. The most common manifestations of financial violence include:

  • limiting or denying access to accounts or other forms of payment,
  • limiting or withdrawing employment opportunities, forcing to obtain higher earnings, overtime work or unpaid work for the benefit of a family business, fictitious employment in a family business,
  • spending money, forcing to humiliate and beg for it,
  • refusing to contribute to joint expenses, e.g. on the house,
  • controlling expenses,
  • appropriation of money dedicated to other family members, intended for house maintenance, salary appropriation, use of credit cards,
  • generating family debt, forcing them to take credits and loans,
  • destroying, selling off or forcing to sell personal belongings of a partner or other family members,
  • non-payment of maintenance.

When experiencing violence, it is worth referring to specialists.

Free help and advice is provided, among others, by

800 120 002 - Blue Line national telephone for victims of domestic violence

116 123 - A helpline for adults in an emotional crisis

800 120 226 - Police helpline for counteracting domestic violence

800 70 22 22 - A helpline for people in a state of mental crisis

801 889 880 - Telephone of trust "Behavioral addictions"

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